Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I've blown a few things in my day
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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