I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
