Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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