And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
