I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize