I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
