The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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