got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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