Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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