I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
