while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
