I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
