its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
