Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
