Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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