Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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