My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
