i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
