sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize