Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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