Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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