You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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