My friends, they love my intelligence
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
