ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
