Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
