What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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