Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
