The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
