why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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