I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
