I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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