That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
