My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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