Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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