I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
