Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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