I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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