Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
