I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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