I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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