I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
