she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm too high and old for this...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
