when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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