he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
