i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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