i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
