Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
