I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
