whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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