I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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