Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i think i have two assholes
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
