Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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