i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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