They should really pass out barf bags in church
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
