i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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