How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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