My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
