I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
