Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
