Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
