I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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